Jokes for August 2013

I know a man who has spent his entire life collecting memorabilia about Wonder Woman, Joan of Ark and Florence Nightingale. Apparently he is a heroine addict.

Entomologists, those who specialize in the study of insects, debate whether when a bug hits a windshield the last words it says are, "That's me all over!" Or, "I don't have the guts to do that again."

I called my doctor's office for an appointment. The nurse who answered the phone said that the first available time would be a month and a half from not. "I could be dead by then," I exclaimed. She calmly replied, "If that happens, be sure to have your wife call and cancel the appointment."

Child to teacher: "I don't want to scare you, but my Daddy said if my grades don't come up, someone is gonna get a spanking."

Note to Teacher: Sally missed school yesterday because the whole family had a fever. Even her father got hot last night.

A friend of mine is running for political office. He is referred to as a "dark horse candidate." I asked him how he felt about this. He said, "At least they are referring to me as the whole horse."

Tarzan came home in the afternoon and asked Jane for a double martini. He sat down and polished it off in one gulp. He asked for another and downed it quickly as well. Then he asked for a third. This kept going on until finally Jane got on his case about coming home every day and getting plastered. "Jane, I can't help myself," Tarzan protested. "It's a jungle out there."