Jokes for January 2014

I have been submitting jokes to the Houston Chronicle for years. Occasionally some of them get printed. Most don't. Here is what I submitted in December or 2013. I hope you enjoy them -

If the world is getting smaller, why are airplane tickets getting more expensive?

There's no rest for the wicked. And, their neighbors don't get much sleep either.

You can criticize the President. You can criticize the Congress. But, you have to hand it to the IRS.

When we are feeling patriotic, we sing proudly of it. However, I think a home where the buffalo roam would be mighty hard to keep clean.

A friend of mine recently immigrated to America from Cuba. After he obtained citizenship he said, "Yesterday I was a Cuban with very poor English. Today I am an American with very good Spanish."

A bore is someone who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.

Sometimes when you try to correct a mistake, you just make it worse.
A priest was seated next to a non-Catholic at an interfaith dinner. The woman, trying to make small-talk, asked him why he became a priest. "Was your father a priest?" Then, realizing her boo-boo, she blushed and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Priests don't have fathers do they?

A buddy of mine says that he has found a doctor who can add ten years to your life. He’s right. I called to make an appointment. The doctor can see me in eight years.

A little boy was struggling along the edge of a country road leading a large cow. A motorist from a nearby big city thought the boy was having a problem and pulled to a stop.

"Where are you going with that animal?" asked the motorist.

"To the bull down at the next farm," answered the boy.

"Can't your father do that?" questioned the motorist.

"No, sir," replied the boy. "I think it has to be a bull.

Bumper sticker I saw: Congress Happens
A man came home from work unexpectedly and found his wife on the couch passionately kissing a midget. He shouted at her, "You promised me you would never cheat on me again!"
She said, "Can't you see I'm tapering off?

A father decided it was time to teach the facts of life to his ten-year-old son. He sat down and nervously explained about the birds, bees and the flowers. When he had finished, the father suggested that the boy pass this information on to his younger brother who was 8. The boy went to his younger brother's room and said, "You know what married people do when they want to have babies? Dad says that the birds, bees and flowers do the same thing.

Why do dragons always sleep during the day?
Because they always fight knights.

I returned to Houston on a flight recently. When I went to pick up my luggage I was told, "Our airline is experiencing an economic downturn. We sent your luggage to Los Angeles, so you'll have to buy a ticket to go pick it up.

My mother believed that you could say anything unkind about someone as long as it included the phrase "bless his or her heart." Some examples:
"I believe she is the ugliest woman I ever did see - bless her heart."
"And, bless her heart, how does she pull a sweater over that nose?"
"And, that husband of hers was the dumbest man. I've seen more intelligent creatures for sale in bait shops, bless his heart."

For the very best Chinese cooking it is best that two people be involved. One does the ingredient preparation that requires so much careful cutting and chopping while the other does the actual stir-frying. If you follow these instructions, you'll never wok alone.

My son told me about a friend of his who is afraid to take the commuter bus to work because it goes through a tunnel.
Yes, he has car pool tunnel syndrome.