On my old website I posted jokes that I had submitted to the various places that publish my material. The joke page became overwhelmingly long. Hence I've decided not to do it that way any more. I'll offer a few each month and will try to update the selection regularly.
Here are a few to get you started for this month of July 2013:
I recently went to church in another city. The minister's sermon was about the ten bridesmaids sent out to welcome the wedding party. The five wise bridesmaids took plenty of oil for their lamps, while the five foolish bridesmaids brought no oil at all.
The preacher was a fiery speaker and ended his sermon on an emotional note. He cried, "And where would you rather be? In the light with the five wise and virtuous bridesmaids, or in the dark with the five foolish bridesmaids?"
I wasn't the only one who got it wrong.
* * *
My advice to anyone is: Follow your dreams!
Except that one where you are naked in church.
* * *
Myra was always rescuing winter birds from the cold. One day her husband, Frank, charged into the dining room where Myra was toweling off a cold, wet wren. He began a loud and vicious tirade about all of the various birds recuperating here and there in the house.
"Please Frank," Myra said reprovingly. "Not in front of the chilled wren."
* * *
Don't join dangerous religious organizations. Rather, practice safe sects.
* * *
Father's note to son: "I'm enclosing the $20 you requested from college. Incidentally $20 is written with one zero, not two."
* * *
The other night my wife and I were discussing our retirement and our future. I asked her, "What will you do if I die before you do?" She thought about it for a minute and said she'd probably share a house with three other single or widowed women who are as active for her age as she is. Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?" I said, "Probably the same thing as you."
That's when the fight started.
* * *
Advice for eating out: Never ask a waitress if she has frog legs or chicken breasts.
* * *
My brother was a brilliant scientist whose career ended badly. He invented a clone of himself. Since my brother was afraid of public speaking the clone would go and give a talk in his place. But the clone used such foul language that it had to be stopped. One day in a fit of exasperation my brother pushed the clone off of a cliff. He was immediately arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall.
* * *
On a recent trip to Germany I ate breakfast at the hotel restaurant. The waitress brought me eggs over easy, toast, coffee and hashed browns. "Where's the sausage?" I asked. The waitress ran back toward to kitchen saying, "The wurst is yet to come."